Time. How it rockets through these days! I cannot believe that I am reaching the day of what might be my last journey into China. Three more weeks to go. Where have all these months gone? I am filled with a longing for home – yet the wonderful joy of companionship that I had here will be a thing of the past back home in Bangalore. I love the thought of getting back to reading books galore again – but I hate the thought of reading them alone, in the lonely confines of my yellow room with the yellow bed. I love the thought of having every kind of cuisine I would like – the freedom to choose a new restaurant a week – yet I hate the thought of not having the Chinese food here I have grown to love. I love the thought of getting back to all those people I love in Bangalore, yet I hate the thought of parting from the sisterfrienddaughtersollemate I have in Birdie. Sigh.
Yesterday, Birdie, Lynn and I went to ZZ. It was such a pleasure shopping with Lynn! She knew what we wanted without the least explanation necessary. I bought two “electronic dogs,” a BP monitor, and the electric flashlight that my Dad had asked for. Birdie bought the same minus the BP monitor and two MP3 players for her cousin and her brother. BTW, I am not exactly on good terms with the above-mentioned cousin. I wrote a mail berating him for his lack of support to Birdie and he replied back in what I assume was his own choice language – makes me wonder really, the world really revolves on “give what you receive.” I feel too that this is the only reason for the problems facing this world. If we hate, it’s because we have received hate. If we love, it’s because we have received love. Give what you receive. Get what you deserve. This is the New Age mantra for the masses. Maybe the reason I feel so different from anyone else could be that I don’t follow that mantra. But then, maybe the reason I feel so different is simply because I am. I feel like a particle of snow that drifts down through the skies – as you drift down, you know that you are the only flake – casting its way through all the others – and yet you know, that when you reach the ground, you become one with the rest. The problem is the journey – the snow flake remains irretrievably alone…
Also yesterday, I woke up with a start at around half past midnight. It was my sister calling – panic arose in me – only to be stifled a little later when she explained that she was calling to find out how Anku could send obscene mails to her and Vasant from his mailbox. I told her that it must be just a malicious virus that rips people’s names from address books – or it could be a hacker. My heart broke when she told me that Anku was sitting there crying.
Sunday is also the day when we had to go to a silly “programme,” that was held near the Mac building in the open square by a training school called Enjoy Foreign Language School. It was a pathetic little show (not the performance by the students but the organization of it) and I was not really interested enough to talk – more so, as I realized that Birdie and I were just supposed to parade around as the “foreign teachers” of this school – an obvious charade for publicity.
Damn, I am irritated as I write this – I don’t understand myself and I as hell don’t want to understand anyone else either.