Musings / Friday, September 17th, 2010

Sometime back, a person very dear to me, messaged me in anguish, saying that she felt upset in a relationship and felt used. Through the course of a long sms conversation, I understood just how much of anguish this wonderful person went through – is it wrong to expect attachment from someone when you give love and affection? she asked. I think I replied saying that it is the most natural thing in the world to expect a little back of love back  or attachment or whatever you can call it. But perhaps expectations are not too good, I preached. The person agreed, saying that expectations are never easy, placing the burden of your proof on the other person and expecting him or her to carry it. “But why profess attachment before, use you and then drop you? The used feeling can be terrible,” she asked.

I don’t remember what I say, perhaps because I love this person so much, I think I was more worried about her state of mind, and maybe foolishly tried to tell her not to take it so hard. Her answer? “I take people seriously and am sincere so it is hurting a lot to be discarded like an old rag.” Even through the cold hard medium of a SMS, I could feel the hurt. I will never know who hurt this beautiful woman, but if I do meet that person, well, I can imagine just how much contempt can ooze out of my soul then. I must have said a few good things; maybe I said everything that happens, even the bad that people do to us is good in some way. She agreed, saying that she will take it as a positive development for her soul, and that one needs people like that for the soul’s enlightenment.

Today, I looked at this SMS exchange, and I realized I can use every single message in it to reflect on my own recent life. Isn’t that a bit bizarre? But there you see! To feel used? Ah, I know that one! Like it or not, we are all pawns in another’s life. Bit like chess. Fit to be moved when the stage shifts. Who are you? A petty soldier? Come on, move over, make way, I got my rook and my knight coming! To be discarded like an old rag? Righto! Why profess attachment before and then drop you? Ah! The hardest to answer in a way, but the easiest to understand. Human behavior. It seeks convenience always. People are malleable, we fit them according to circumstance. And when circumstances are not favorable, it is the easiest to dump the people. Not the circumstance. And how many people really mean the things they say? It is surprising how a lot of ‘care’ can just disappear if that act of caring causes distress for you. And people say things. All the time. If I were to give a dollar for every word uttered that promised love, hope, affection, care, happiness or friendship I would be such a billionaire now.

I never did ask this person how the whole thing panned out – was it really a positive development for her soul? But I know that she is a tough one. Or rather as she said : I am a sentimental fool, add old as prefix. I think I am just the same. And somehow, I think that it is worth being so. Despite everything.

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