I have had one of the most miserable 9 days. But I woke up today to see a Bangalore drenched by rain, yet shimmering with light, and my heart strangely echoed a joy I couldn’t understand. I sat with a cup of coffee and looked out to the green that I see from my window – leaves bowed with rain, a road glistening with shivering twigs, and utter stillness in the air.
It’s a stillness that I wished I could mirror. Allow the rain to wash away our lingering past and look afresh.
Last Wednesday, our emails and website crashed while moving from one hosting provider to another. For days, emails from our clients bounced. LifeWordsmith’s website is still not up even as I write this as we have to redo everything. Last week, my sister’s husband was suddenly diagnosed with a malignancy. Also, last week, a dear friend wrote of her pain as her father lay in a hospital, stricken by a stroke.
And also, the same week, my brain fog reemerged with a vengeance, reminding me that healing is not linear, never a straight line, but a misshapen squiggly line of ups and downs. There are weeks like last week when the down seems more down and the up a mirage.
You think you have reached rock bottom before you realize there wasn’t any bottom. The last few days, I struggled with doubt, making me wonder if a friend had betrayed me, leading me to that capricious slippery slope of broken trust.
It was a miserable week.
I am happy.
I have this day still.
I have taken so much of life for granted. Weeks like this remind me of that carelessness. Weeks like this also remind me that our idea of happiness is skewed: you don’t have to have everything in place to be happy. You can listen to that still beating heart of yours and recognize that the mess is also part of the happiness.
This week is an utterly beautiful mess then. And for those of you who have had messy weeks like mine, I send you light – may you find that stillness, a sliver of joy, and a shredded slice of peace.