I am a control freak. The idea of not being in control of anything terrifies me. I probably made a lousy manager during my corporate life!
Over the course of my life, I have believed that we have a choice in the way we allow our lives to be. I don’t think I have been wrong in that belief. But while we have control over the choices we make, we don’t exercise as much control over the circumstances that force us to exert the choice. We have no control over death, but we have control over how we lead our life up to it. We have no control over suffering a heart attack, but we can try and eat healthier or exercise to prevent it. But those are just precautions. We can control our body, our minds, but we can’t control the influence of the environment on us.
This year, I am learning to do a soft reset on control. As much as it hurts me, I am learning to embrace that I am not going to be able to control each moment. I let go of trying to be a perfectionist in the business I learn. I let go of hope. I let go of faith in some people. I let go of certain people forever. I let go of the illusions of love. I let go of trying to run other people around my whims and fancies. I am a lousy human being many times. I let go of that desire to be harshest on myself and softest on those who hurt me the most.
I let go of the need to breathe. Instead, I am learning that the breath is all there is, moment by moment of imperfection, the riotous colors of all the palettes of our emotions, floating visages in our minds, distilled visions of the past, and the sheer impossibility of living.