I struggled with red ants the whole day today while trying to work at my laptop. “What? Work? Now?” you may ask. Well, there are more bills I can count right now than ever, and working is one way to bring in some semblance of normalcy to this world. So, there were ants as well on my laptop. I don’t know why ants like to get inside laptops. Is it the thermal paste I had recently applied to cool it down? Is it just the warmth? What makes them crawl inside a laptop?
I sprayed the one thing I have most on hand right now: disinfectant. I murdered a few ants in the process. Even as I write, a few more keep crawling out of the keypad. I spray them. Brush them aside. Phoo them. Do whatever I can. Eventually, after a few hundred left, I settled down to write.
And my mind drew a blank. What can I write here? That I felt terribly exhausted? I have been saying that. That my Mom is extremely fatigued too? And my heart thumps a painful beat each time I check her oxygen levels? That Susheela continues to be on oxygen support?
Somehow, I feel I am in some nightmare version of Groundhog Day. I have lost track of days and dates. I knew that today is my sister’s birthday, but I could only wish her on the phone. I asked our driver to send me Rondo, our dog. And then, I thought, is that safe? I didn’t know, so I chose to not take the risk.
There are days when you feel like you don’t have the energy to bear this another day. But you know what? We can. We do. We don’t just endure suffering. We come through it, lightened.
Right now, I don’t have the energy to write. But I will be back.
May you be well.