Clouds And Blue


Musings / Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

I woke up in the morning and went for a long, tiring interval run. I messed up the run settings on my smartwatch and had to manually set intervals each time, making the run a frustrating experience. 

I then missed breakfast and went to meet a friend before she left for work. 

I spent an hour nauseated as she shared her stories of rape and abuse. I threw up twice on the way back after that, my stomach recoiling at the cruelty we can inflict. My mind was a mess, memories clouding and unclouding in a heap. 

I tried to sleep off that conversation in a daze. 

I got up to a client complaining to me about a mistake from my proofreader, which had resulted in one repeated word in a book. One. I smiled my most hypocritical smile and promised to proofread the entire book again. 

My stomach still heaved. My mind churned. So, I went to find some relief. I went to meet my therapist. 

He is quite hairy, has whiskers, and likes to lick everything on the ground. He moves with his nose to the ground, sniffing at every delight, be it a flower or a dead rat. He doesn’t really have a degree in psychology. I doubt his understanding of Freud or CBT. 

But he is well-versed in DBT: Dog Behavioral Therapy. Two minutes with him is worth $300 at an expensive clinic. 

He pawed the ground in delight at this unexpected opportunity to play at noon. I threw and fetched whatever I threw because that’s the nature of the game we play. And then, since this therapist believes a lot in physical comfort, we plopped down on the wet grass. I leaned back against him and looked up at the sky. 

Bangalore has been enveloped by rain over the last week. Dark clouds hang heavy, and that is how my heart felt as I leaned against my therapist. Yet, as I lay there, staring at the sky, I saw little squares of blue, trying to move against the darker hues of gray. They didn’t succeed much. Yet, there they were. I saw then that our blue sky is still there. Our clouds obscure our vision. Our hearts might be clouded in grief or pain. Yet, there are patches of spaciousness. A memory of our life’s beauty. A kiss of the vast love of the Universe. 

I got up and took this photo with my therapist because life seemed still so beautiful despite all our trauma.

A dear friend, CSD, told me she finds me happy in that photo. She is right. I was happy for that moment even though I was sad the whole day. I was happy then because I know that there is that vast sky within me. Patches of blue soul moving through the debris of my mind. I will find that sky breaking soon.

May you find a blue sky today. May you find your clouds moving. May you find your therapist.

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