Let me tell you a story…
A few years ago, sometime in 2015, I had the worst conflict of my life.
I was with one of the best people in my life—my co-founder and the one friend I can trust not to leave. That time, we were angry with each other – the sort of anger that simmers on hurt, laying ghostly footprints of rancor in our hearts. It was a disastrous mix of high stress, inability to see each other’s perspectives, an unwillingness to bend and be flexible, stubbornness, and ego that led to a painful rupture.
We didn’t speak for months – a period that seemed like several lifetimes. Was that necessary? I will tell you: no.
No conflict ever got resolved through silence. Nothing ever gets repaired high up in the twin towers of our biases and prejudices. If the heart gets broken, the mind can only watch until the heart does what it does best: to love. And for the mind to support that love.
How did my friend and I resolve this conflict? I sent one message:
I am sorry. Can we talk?
That was it. She immediately and joyfully said, “Yes!” And it restored a beautiful friendship.
We are complex beings, utterly simple in our desire to be loved and accepted. But we are complex in the ways we mess up this desire.
I have since learned that conflicts aren’t to be feared. They are a necessary and healthy part of growth in our relationships. My friend and I understand each other better through each conflict.
Still, when emotions hold us prisoner, nothing about conflicts appears easy or a skill we can develop. So, I asked one of my favorite therapists, Siddhida Kabara all these doubts I had about conflicts, including:
– Is there such a thing as “too many conflicts?” (No)
– What is the difference between adjustment and compromise?
– How do we handle relationships where one person shuts down?
– How do we give without feeling like we are “always giving in?”
My current partner, John, appears again in this episode as I discuss all my problems with him.
This podcast is live now on:
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How do you handle conflicts? Please, tell me?
For Pride Month, I would love to talk to those who identify as members of the LGBTQ+ community. Please DM me if you would like to share your story: it’s precious, and we need to hear all voices.
The Art Of Conflicts: With Siddhidha Kabara
podcast / Monday, June 17th, 2024
